Healing Hillary

little boy

When C was a month or so old, my aunt said to me "little boys need to get outside every day." I've held those words to be true. She doesn't have daughters...though I am sure if she did she would say the same about little girls.

But there are days we just simply don't get outside and at times being outside has presented it's own challenges (ahem...insert memories of leaf eating and subsequent yacking here). As with everything, things change. Now, I find that we are all having more fun outside these days. I credit the sunshine, warmer weather and this book as inspiration. 

this moment

One little moment from my week that I am in love with. A moment I am grateful I caught on film. A moment I embraced, discovered and felt connected. 

If you'd like, please feel free to share your moment in the comment section.

 

found (again!)

Just letting time take time, all is found. Really...it is true and the proof, well it's available here and here as well as in the photos above. The box of children's Christmas presents, handmade dolls, was found. It really wasn't a box afterall, but an envelope and it was in our pantry. Of all places, I would never have guess we would find it there. But alas, a little pantry sorting uncovered many things including the sweet dolls intended for my children. So Christmas was celebrated again, briefly in our house...on a chilly January evening. And it was perfect. Period.

Now would it be asking too much to find my green handknit shawl? Yes, that would really be lovely. I suppose it will resurface...all in (perfect) timing.

time

Time...goodness, where ever does it go? Can I make more? 

My *want* to do lists are growing. I need to take a good look at what I am doing that I want to let go of, because there are so many things that I want to do and cannot seem to make the time for. So in that there is a flux...a bit of releasing and a bit of anticipation. But I sit with the question, what do I *want* to do with my time? because really, I think that should come first. Dishes, laundry, and the like can fit in around the rest. Right?

imperfectly

I don't give myself much room often for imperfection. But the wise words of Joel Salatin echo in my mind, "good enough is perfect." And it's true. I stagnate when I have too high of expectations for myself and resist diving in. But it's the diving in part where there is growth, where it gets messy and often where it gets fun. A good friend of mine says, "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing imperfectly." She is so right. 

So as I am slowly returning to writing and posting a bit here, I think that my growth can be currently marked in my photos...you know the imperfect ones I've posted as of late. My iPhone takes photos, it is lightweight and is usually close at hand. I cannot fiddle with it too much or lose the moment trying to catch the light just so (thank you simplicity). I don't have to beg my daughter to go back or do that again so I can capture a perfect photo, knowing that everything is perfect except the spirit of the photo. So this is what I capture...it's real, it's a bit raw and is unedited...and really, I think that's just how I want to live life right now, just for now.

And with that I will also allow myself the flexibility to pick up my big Cannon with the fancy lense from time to time too...as the spirit moves me. This life is what I choose. In that, I find boundless beauty and freedom.

firsts

T bustled into our room this morning all ready for her first day at her new school. And I wasn't quite ready. I quickly curled her into the bed with me to snuggle for a few more minutes. While it was her first day of school at a new school, I knew that today was not a day for rushing. It was a time for savoring. 

As we all dropped her off, I reminded her (probably for the second, ok...third time) that I would take a photo of her at the door of her new classroom before we kissed her goodbye. Later, as I looked at the photo, I noticed the obvious look of "Come on Mama, I am ready to get in there." Sigh. How do ever they grow so fast? 

Days ago my wise husband suggested we go to a new favorite coffee shop after dropping her off. And the warm latte was so welcomed. For a moment, I was able to put my feet up in conversation with my honey as my littlest one walked around the table investigating. As I looked around at us I noticed that we all had on mama-knit hats. It truly is the little things. This recognition gave me a little lift remembering that T too had on a mama-knit hat this morning (and a sweater too).

So it was a day of firsts. Certainly most obviously is first day of new school. But there were others as well. First coffee date with my 'guys', first structured day, first time I saw the baby vie for his big sister's attention upon their reunion, first day of mama-knits this year, first tales of new friends...I am grateful I can watch it. Perhaps that is the biggest first. 

finding comfort here

We celebrated the New Year last night, well again really. It seemed silly to do sparklers on New Year's Eve and since we were all tucked in well before the clock struck twelve, we decided to do sparklers last night. 

We also had an impromptu family dinner...perhaps my favorite kind. Indeed there are certain perks with family close. My parents brought T home after an afternoon playing together right before dark. They came into a bustling kitchen. David was chopping potatoes to roast and I was mixing up some chocolate chip cookies. So they accepted our enthusiastic invitation to stay for dinner and we called my brother who came over too. We raised our (water) glasses to toast family and the new year. Yes, there are perks. 

Today life is seeming more normal. It seems that we are getting back into our family rhythm. Family breakfast, chores, getting ready for the day. I have cloth diapers in the wash, carrots steaming on the stove for the babe, am sorting through T's school clothes as she has her first day at her new school tomorrow. 

There is such comfort available here in this moment. And every now and then I pause to feel it and take it all in. 

 

 

found

The shoes have been found. Thanks to an urge to tidy and organize my new tiny closet and the scrupulous eye of my husband...the shoes are now happily mated again. Relief.

And yes...I had already ordered another pair...in the next size up. Coincidence? I think not. 

centering in today

I awoke this morning with the sinking feeling that I am questioning my own values...self-criticism turned riot. Where am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? I certainly don't have the long term answers to these questions, I mean really...who does? But I do know where I am today and I suppose that is where I can report from. 

I am in an old house in a new state with my little family. We moved at the beginning of the month. I've almost had a whole month to get settled in here, and yet I (with good reason) feel less than settled. The holidays had their own special flavor of distraction and diversion. We traveled across the country to spend the days surrounding Christmas with two different sets of family members in two different cities, in two different states. 

So when I look around at my new (old) house this morning, I see a scattering of cardboard boxes. Some of the moving variety in various stages of being unpacked, some that contain or are remnants of presents that arrived by mail. I also see suitcases with contents overspilling, as I dug through them yesterday to find things like toothbrushes and shoes. There are piles of laundry, there are stacks of work papers intermingled with children's art projects and there are abandoned craft projects. We have a list of things that are missing (including but not limited to one baby shoe, a box containing the children's handmade dolls that were intended as Christmas presents and my serenity...now where did I put that?). 

I have T's intended Christmas present partially knit and yet I haven't found the time to assemble the swift and ball winder to wind another ball of yarn and continue on with the project. Did I have realistic expectations of myself this year?...I think not. Those lofty goals I had are now looming and taunting me, somehow speaking to the state of upheaval that I would like to ignore. 

But what I do know are the things that bring me back to center. Writing, folding laundry, finishing a craft project, clearing out one nook and making it feel like home, and perhaps...finally breaking down and ordering a new pair of baby shoes. I suppose that is my list of things to do today. 

{this moment}

This moment...