Healing Hillary

serenity

I found it! My serenity! A couple of weeks ago I posted that that with the move and all we have a list of things that are missing, one of which was my serenity. Well...I found it!

Yesterday I was going through boxes, sorting, organizing and just generally trying to make sense of all of the boxes that are now in our basement, ones containing mostly things we don't anticipate needing for a while as we live in this temporary place. But most of these boxes have something that we do need...sigh. So I took my list and started sifting and shifting. One box I came upon had the above bracelet in it. It was boxed up with a humidifier, lavender scented blanket, and some canning jars. Yup, true story. That's where I found my serenity [bracelet], in the form I made at a retreat two autumns ago. And now I am wearing it! 

I am chosing to take this as a sign of good things to come. Serenity, yes!

time

Time...goodness, where ever does it go? Can I make more? 

My *want* to do lists are growing. I need to take a good look at what I am doing that I want to let go of, because there are so many things that I want to do and cannot seem to make the time for. So in that there is a flux...a bit of releasing and a bit of anticipation. But I sit with the question, what do I *want* to do with my time? because really, I think that should come first. Dishes, laundry, and the like can fit in around the rest. Right?

imperfectly

I don't give myself much room often for imperfection. But the wise words of Joel Salatin echo in my mind, "good enough is perfect." And it's true. I stagnate when I have too high of expectations for myself and resist diving in. But it's the diving in part where there is growth, where it gets messy and often where it gets fun. A good friend of mine says, "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing imperfectly." She is so right. 

So as I am slowly returning to writing and posting a bit here, I think that my growth can be currently marked in my photos...you know the imperfect ones I've posted as of late. My iPhone takes photos, it is lightweight and is usually close at hand. I cannot fiddle with it too much or lose the moment trying to catch the light just so (thank you simplicity). I don't have to beg my daughter to go back or do that again so I can capture a perfect photo, knowing that everything is perfect except the spirit of the photo. So this is what I capture...it's real, it's a bit raw and is unedited...and really, I think that's just how I want to live life right now, just for now.

And with that I will also allow myself the flexibility to pick up my big Cannon with the fancy lense from time to time too...as the spirit moves me. This life is what I choose. In that, I find boundless beauty and freedom.

testing

Ahem, so I just started back writing because, well I missed it. And I didn't think that anyone was really reading it. Until I got a few comments and my husband ever so gently noted that I had published misspelled words. OK so let me come clear...I am not asleep at the wheel...I am just a bad speller. 

To appease the masses (well the one man I live with and the few of you out there reading)...I went back and spell-checked and corrected my misspellings. I hope you will excuse my humanness, because it's very likely to happen again. Yup, that's just me. 

patience

In 2010 I selected a word for the year, courage. Thanks to a sweet friend, I was reminded of this post. It was fitting for the year and as I look back at that post, 2 years ago, I giggle that I actually did get pregnant that year with my second child. A delightful surprise. 

2011...yeah, I don't know what my word for was last year. Did I even take time to think of one? Probably not. If you'd asked me last January what my one word would have been it might have been...warmth, presence, stillness. It's hard for me to think back to where I was then, as so much has happened. I had our second child, we moved to another state and we've begun a new life adventure. So hmmm, Hillary a year ago, she was somebody a bit different. Perhaps, dare I say...a bit naive as to what the year would hold. But I suppose that will always be true. What does 2012 hold for me? I certainly don't know. 

Finding a house (as we are in a rental now in the process of looking), pursuing a dream, raising our children, nurturing our passions are all high on the (hopeful) list for this year...and it's a long-long list. All that to say, my word for 2012 will be *patience*. My challenge is to sit back and let time take time. Trust the process and to stay here in the present. Do what I can when I can and not put myself on some time line, 'cause mine are always a bit unrealistic. 

There will be a time for it all. Patience, Hillary, patience. 

tending to...

My hands are busy tending. I am tending to my garden. Tending to my children. Tending that pile of laundry that needs to be put away. Tending to my kitchen and keeping it filled with food. Tending to my body, taking hikes to stretch my muscles and expand my lungs. I am tending my craft space and the little unfinished jobs I am discovering in the process. I am tending to be outside. 

In the midst of this tending, I have stepped away from the blog this week. 

What are you tending? 

learning by observing

I learn best by observing. Perhaps it is the observation of a more experienced knitter/gardener/crafter and the way they piece their work together, maybe it is observing a particular situation and what emotions it stirs up in me, or simply observing my own breath. Each of these circumstances offers me a lesson, a chance to learn a bit more. 

I know that my children too learn best by observing. I recall a family walk we took when T was 2 years old. David and I were talking about how we need to really watch what we do/say around her. Just then T spoke up and said "I watch you." Yes, true and perfectly timed. 

So I often wonder what are my children seeing and learning? I know that some of the observations they are making are ones I wish they hadn't seen. Ones that show me where I need to work. Last week, I got a standout lesson that was of this variety. T was getting very frustrated and said "If you don't listen to me, I am going to yell at you." ...Sigh... Yes, I am imperfect...there I said it. My children are like my little Zen masters. They remind me where I am in my own spiritual development. 

However, there are other times when I notice a subtle lesson learned that melts my heart. As I spied T with her monkey wrapped up, snuggling it, singing to it and swaying. I realized, she was mimicking me, her mama. My eyes welled with tears. Yes, I need a little reminder from time-to-time, a pat on the back that shows me the good my children are seeing (in me). It propels me to continue on my path. 

So, perhaps the better question is What are my children teaching me?

healing in the kitchen

I frequently get the question..."What do you eat?" We don't eat gluten or meat. And I am currently not eating dairy as it does not agree with baby. Anyone that knows me, knows that I eat, cook, prepare healing foods for my family and myself. I strive for nutrient dense foods and loving preparations. So here is a little run down of what kind of healing is going on in our kitchen this week. 

:: Tomato Risotto (x3 the recipe and froze some, minus dairy, +extra basil from our garden, used fresh pureed tomatoes instead of canned ones, recipe from Apples for Jam)

:: Many green salads from our garden/yarn (spinach, aragula, clover buds, dandelion leaves, a pinch of wood sorrel and some sugar peas).

:: Kombucha (am thrilled with how easy this is, and loving the range of B vitamins)

:: Sunbutter Cookies (a variation of my PB cookies...going for more nutritional density)

:: Feel-Better Pops (I made a lemon balm + chamomile medicinal tea mixed with orange juice for T's fever)

:: Eggs in a basket (a heart shaped basket, to be precise, using my *favorite* commercial Whole Grain-GF bread)

:: Potato and Cauliflower Burritos (from this month's Vegetarian Times, again roasted my own tomatoes instead of canned...see this for my aversion to canned tomatoes)

:: Oatstraw Herbal Infusion 

:: Elderberry Syrup

:: Vegetarian Sushi take-away (love the British term, makes more sense to me than "take-out")

:: A stargazer lily that opened up (thanks Liz!) and...

 :: Berry Cake...delicious! I plan to share the Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free recipe here on Monday.

 What kind of healing is going on in your kitchen?

Hillary

moment to renew

In the early weeks (ok, months) of mothering a new baby, I find that my self-care can completely go awry. I have to be creative in having moments where I can renew my spirit. No longer can it look exactly like it did before, nor do I want it to. Instead I have to accept the changed reality. 

Recently I have stacked books on my bedside table*. There are ones that I am reading cover to cover. Ones that I am using as inspiration, ones for reference, ones for ideas and ones that make me laugh. The time that these books get the most attention is right before I slip off to slumber. That is when the bulk of the reading and perusing happens.

However, it would be inaccurate to say that is the only time they are read. No, they are read when I am nursing my baby. Not every time I nurse certainly. But there are times that both baby and I want to sit for a bit and be close. Where he drifts off while nursing and I let the rest of the world pause. I can reach over and get a little piece or nugget from a bound source taking a moment to renew. 

How do you find moments to renew?

Hillary

*I plan to review some of my favorite books currently on my bedside table and share some of my favorite bits of wisdom.

the art of mothering

As I reflect on these photos, I am reminded of the power held in the art of mothering. It is a delicate process. One that involves strength and flexibility, spontaneity and rhythm, determination and acceptance...it is in the balance of the extremes where I find I am the best mother. 

Reveling in motherhood and the journey of balance,

Hillary